(Ha! It IS funny how anagrams can forecast the future; or rather predict a predicament. Playing with words can definitely play with your paranoia. That or one (intentionally) ignores all the signs and walk on right through ahead a road that is paved with good intentions yet promises bad results.
A real good friend always reminds me to NEVER sell my self short--- pardon the pun--- but he has to be way down here to understand this struggle with confidence. Be the first to smell when the shit hits the fan; then be the last to know that every one has run and gone… Don’t get me wrong, this is not fake moderation but it’s more of a confession of mediocrity… Which really isn’t the story here… The real story is the entirety of you and the unabashed beauty that is you. Of course, of course a day (a week or a month…) does not define a person… Which only means a little more time with each other is needed for the questions that bother me…
Then again, this is not the “next” lifetime.
So here’s a mad try to win the heart of a certain HER. The title (I AM A VINTAGE STAR! RELEASE!) is an anagram of her name--- so apt about my chances and so apt about what she would probably feel when all of this is over! Hers is a face that could launch a thousand ships and all that cliché but here’s a poem that could launch my way to her heart (ok that is called a pipe dream) and all that cheesiness that follows… As I told myself since the first time I felt this way, here goes nothing… Originally written on: 12/24/2007 2:39:36 AM- 12/24/2007 3:21:34 AM
STARGRAZING
(I AM A VINTAGE STAR! RELEASE!)what lies beneath the truth
which truth bequeaths the lies
for every grain of you
makes me high, dry then fly
but every time you risei look at myself fall
each moment that passes
a mirage of your soulwish and dream,
then crash and scream!
pray then hope,
go astray, cope!
do not fall for a star,because stars do not fall
this lifetime or the next
still an impenetrable wall!
Am so proud of this innovation, i need to rewrite about this one. Over two weeks ago, i invented errr.. discovered what could be the latest craze for the average reader!
i call(ed) it the TOTAL READING EXPERIENCE*! It's cheap (actually, almost free) and it's totally exhilarating!
Step One: Find a real good novel that is made into a movie! (As you can see for my first example i did it with a Clancy and he never disappoints.)
Step Two: Download the original soundtrack (OST) for the said movie.
Step Three: Read on while playing the OST!!!
You will agree with me that the experience is simply, total!
*patent pending
Starting today, there's going to be a "book grab" episode in this blog--- that's copy+paste of the more interesting parts of books that i have read!
Terry Pratchett (Wee Free Men) takes the honor of being the first author to be commended for interesting bits that is so so true in the real world! Enjoy, because i did.
Miss Tick sniffed. "You could say this advice is priceless," she said. "Are you listening?"
"Yes," said Tiffany.
"Good. Now...if you trust in yourself..."
"Yes?"
"...and believe in your dreams..."
"Yes?"
"...and follow your star..." Miss Tick went on.
"Yes?"
"...you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy. Good-bye."
Dear You.
First things first. i goddamn miss you. It's not so much of the longingness to be with you... The simple kind of desire and appreciation for the memories that kept you alive--- and one way and/or the other that kept killing me as well. Holding on to those memories was a cross between bliss and hell--- and it's not for the lack of choices that those memories stayed. It just did. When i fell, i fell hard. And when i feel, i feel hard. Hey, when they said one should give it all... i did. Too gullible for comfort? Oh fuck, i believe/d in nothingness! i sure can trust love when i see it. Even if it's love that offers nothing back.
And so, here we are in between years of affection and affliction, inside a world of empty understanding and contented confusion, and around emotions of love and hate. Looking back, it's not so much of emptiness now that you are really gone. It's past being itself, and the future being slave of the past. All things considered, i realize now that i have my present and all i have to do is hold on to it like holding on to dear life itself--- i know, i know i am not really good with the holding on part but hey, you know i always try.
Thank you for keeping my sanity and keeping up with it--- and thank you for keeping me insane for a few good years--- when i lost you i did lose my mind--- but for whatever that changed in me, i will appreciate that forever.
Thank you for being there and for not being there. The former speaks for itself--- i can never really be myself with others as when i was with you. You allowed me to be myself, looked right through me, stared right through the tears (fake or otherwise) and stayed for a while. i realize now, it's not important what i think people think about me, it's about not thinking at all and being me. For not being there when the waves came crashing in, thank you. No sarcasm here, just plain gratitude for teaching me about life and people, and more of myself. We all strive for perfection, and i immediately dubbed you as one--- that's bad formula for humans and even worse for relationships. Expectations always fall short, and life is as well--- but i will never blame you for that. Still, thank you. It's doesn't mean much these days, but i mean it.
Goodbyes are overrated and i feel empty but free. Go now, you are forgiven. And do not forget finding happiness.
Got to love kids. And got to love 'em even more if it's your pamangkin (nephew) that makes you love kids. A short encounter with Jigs the four-year-old nephew earlier today:
Kuya: Jigs, tama na yan laro sa laptop at kumain ka muna. (Translation: Stop playing with that damn thing because the freaking food is already set on the table)
Jigs: Eh bakit laro pa ko. (Why, asshole, i am not yet done playing can't you see?)
Kuya: Kasi nga kakain na. (Because i need to play in THAT laptop)
Jigs: Eh di pa nga ako tapos. (Why, persistent asshole, can't you really see i am not yet done playing?)
Kuya: Basta, shut down mo na kasi tawag ka na ni Mama mo. (Please, just eat.)
Jigs: Eh ayaw ko shut down, gusto ko shut up.
Kuya: O-K. (And laughing now..)
(Realizing he did not want to turn it off, i did shut up. And ate the food on the table.)
Suddenly, you feel just empty. And and suddenly, you realize that could be good too. It's a quasi-contentment... Probably a fake peace of mind as well... But all things considered, you sit back, relax and enjoy the view and somewhere deep down you wish that, that same emptiness remains. But deep down as well, you know it's an empty threat. Nothing like a good night's sleep.
It's official. i have to control my temper. There are two ways to look at this one really. First, it's just change getting the better of me and that i am trying to be mature too much. Or second, that i haven't change a bit and still the whiny little inconsiderate bastard i was eight years ago. Both ways, i look bad and real bad.
It's my first day of this short Naga vacation and the first thing i did was answer back my dear Ma because i did not like what they b(r)ought for lunch! Because of the food in the table! Ha! Now, before you blast this rather immature act let me explain a bit. It's just nothing ever changes in this house. It's full of honest people really but forcibly (by themselves) to act a bit under the expectations--- that's really a disappointment when you consider the fact that this has been happening for years already... The least you can expect is best effort from both sides (i agree, i was an ass.)
That said, i hope the ice cream i b(r)ought a little over 30 minutes later after the incident hopefully cooled heads. In this place, we don't hate--- we just usually shout at each other with love.
+++
The story above brings me back to our basketball game last Monday (Second game of the office league)
i shot 1 of 12 (rough estimate, could be worse) from the field and probably 0 of 8 from beyond the arc (rough estimate, might be worse), had 3 assists a couple of steals but had most likely 5 turnovers. It WAS the WORST game of my basketball life--- including beer-induced ones. And i hate/d it.
The parallel is there really. i act too errr... immature... no EMOTIONAL is the exact word... most of these pressure times. i know i can perform better but this... change.. this impulsive way of feeling is getting the better of me every single time. Oh, i forgot to mention, we did lose that game by three points (50-47) and really, if just relaxed on one three point shot i felt it could have went in and maybe change my team's (White Castle) fate.. If i just forgot to feel and forgot that i was playing maybe one possession could have changed the result of it...
But heck. Enough of that right now because it's one of the most pressing weaknesses that should be arrested--- simplify everything, and let past be past.
We go back to the obvious parallel. Before the Naga trip (as before the game) i felt so good (as feeling good pre-game that we could win it) and plan just to relax. On the very first day, i endangered the vacation to being one forgettable stint despite the fact that i get to go home once every three months.
First possession of the game: i pull up for the three with zero team mates in position for a rebound. Turned on the emotional plug waaay tooo early and forgot to unplug it. The thing is, i threw up the shot with no confidence whatsoever.
Clank. It was the start of a real bad game that ended up with the big L.
The good news is it is still Maundy Thursday. Good, Black and Easter are waiting in the wings giving me a chance to become a better person. They don't call this Holy Week for nothing.
Blame the office ITs. Can't really do anything about it, because simply they are just doing their jobs. Roughly a week ago, a slew of IT people invaded the studio and promptly installed/uninstalled various softwares that resulted in various (unwarranted and unwanted) errors in our respective personal computers. These powerful (and inconsiderate, but hey these robots are just being told of what they should do) administrators, in a word, blocked some of the sites which include your www.friendster.com--- sure, sure... There are proxy sites to use to bypass such admin settings but heck, not all the pages are being shown or maybe i am just too lazy to search for the better proxy sites... Nonetheless, i made my decision. And that is continue "blogging" via blogspot.com (Free plug: cheezepaper.blogspot.com) Not that i assumed there are actually readers of this section. Again, i insist: Paranoia pays off. Heck, maybe i'd allow a comment or two over at blogpot.
See you around. Yes, especially YOU.+++Thought that should kick it off. Copy + Paste your own piece, that's not plagiarism. It's called laziness.
Lists are excuses for literary incompetence. It is an escape for not being coherent and decisive enough on which sentences belong to which lines of your paragraphs.
That said, i am greatly incompetent, incoherent and indecisive. My first list: It's a rehash of something i wrote way, way back. i can only hope i get the same type of frankness and honesty when i was still in college. A little bit of maturity might make it more effective too, or maybe not.
The Guide to Succeed in Failing1. You are not special.2. Everyone is guilty until proven innocent.3. Leave the past, but live in the past.4. Laziness does pay.Consider everything done even before doing it. 5. There is no way out of love but hate. 6. Creative chaos is the only orderly option.7. Hasty impatience is not only a virtue it is the pace of life.8. Families and friends fade, in the end, you are an island.9. Apathy is best served cold.10. ------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, that got me drained. Items 1 through 5 was about the exact same thing i wrote back then.. the others were a bit far off (too mature for comfort... )Then again, maybe i've changed. The 10th one i completely forgot, you might want to add..
[Fast fact:The pair of poems (ok, free verse!) was written about 3-4 months ago in another blog site. Just decided to repost it here to get things started for my Blogger blogsite.]+++Your Endless Nights Greet Familiar Apathy, None Too Empty IV
Meet and greet your destiny
Four horsemen tramples
Through your heart (my apocalypse)
Rewriting your own future
With me and me alone
This sign of desperation, my Love
Is your last chance to salvation
From me
Your Eyes, Naïve and Gray
Farther Away,
None Too Empty
Should end this now
Before completely falling
Before you completely go away
Open hands to an empty heaven
One chance, one moment
To hold the coldness of you
The emptiness in between
The blue bliss that can never be me
Your Endless Nights Greet Familiar Apathy, None Too Empty III
The Saturday that was
The bliss that could have been
Eight straight hours with you
Now just another empty dream
Another hopeless heaven
The week-long struggle to be (with) you
Ended in a bus-ride of bitter apathy
In impossible indifference
Your Eyes, Naïvely Grayish
Still stoic, still beautiful
Familiarly apathetic
The week that was
All I need, want was five minutes with you
Just to stare and not speak
To ask and not answer
Are you gone for good?
Unblued and blued as (fast as you can say) goodbye
Undeserved underappreciated
(Ha! It IS funny how anagrams can forecast the future; or rather predict a predicament. Playing with words can definitely play with your paranoia. That or one (intentionally) ignores all the signs and walk on right through ahead a road that is paved with good intentions yet promises bad results. 
So here’s a mad try to win the heart of a certain HER. The title (I AM A VINTAGE STAR! RELEASE!) is an anagram of her name--- so apt about my chances and so apt about what she would probably feel when all of this is over! Hers is a face that could launch a thousand ships and all that cliché but here’s a poem that could launch my way to her heart (ok that is called a pipe dream) and all that cheesiness that follows… As I told myself since the first time I felt this way, here goes nothing… Originally written on: 12/24/2007 2:39:36 AM- 12/24/2007 3:21:34 AM
