Go now, you are forgiven.

Dear You.

First things first. i goddamn miss you. It's not so much of the longingness to be with you... The simple kind of desire and appreciation for the memories that kept you alive--- and one way and/or the other that kept killing me as well. Holding on to those memories was a cross between bliss and hell--- and it's not for the lack of choices that those memories stayed. It just did. When i fell, i fell hard. And when i feel, i feel hard. Hey, when they said one should give it all... i did. Too gullible for comfort? Oh fuck, i believe/d in nothingness! i sure can trust love when i see it. Even if it's love that offers nothing back.

And so, here we are in between years of affection and affliction, inside a world of empty understanding and contented confusion, and around emotions of love and hate. Looking back, it's not so much of emptiness now that you are really gone. It's past being itself, and the future being slave of the past. All things considered, i realize now that i have my present and all i have to do is hold on to it like holding on to dear life itself--- i know, i know i am not really good with the holding on part but hey, you know i always try.

Thank you for keeping my sanity and keeping up with it--- and thank you for keeping me insane for a few good years--- when i lost you i did lose my mind--- but for whatever that changed in me, i will appreciate that forever.

Thank you for being there and for not being there. The former speaks for itself--- i can never really be myself with others as when i was with you. You allowed me to be myself, looked right through me, stared right through the tears (fake or otherwise) and stayed for a while. i realize now, it's not important what i think people think about me, it's about not thinking at all and being me. For not being there when the waves came crashing in, thank you. No sarcasm here, just plain gratitude for teaching me about life and people, and more of myself. We all strive for perfection, and i immediately dubbed you as one--- that's bad formula for humans and even worse for relationships. Expectations always fall short, and life is as well--- but i will never blame you for that. Still, thank you. It's doesn't mean much these days, but i mean it.

Goodbyes are overrated and i feel empty but free. Go now, you are forgiven. And do not forget finding happiness.