The meaning of purposelessness and the purpose of meaninglessness

Pardon the recycled title, i feel it deserves another space. It's a re-do of another (rushed) article circa Friendster blog era but will be apt as a friend (Enteng) challenged me and basically asked why i decided to keep a blog after years of rather introverted writing preference (You know tissue paper poems, essays and random rants, all of which goes straight to the garbage bin five minutes after writing)

And so the question begs; Why write and why show it?

i don't know really. i hope to find the answer before my 7,019th post. That of course is just a random number, as random as expressing rather empty thoughts in form of letters, phrases and sentences.

Head aches like hell as well, and i am starting to lose a bit of sanity again. i am not wishing you're mine. Just a word or two.

Random Rants: What now?

Save me, please?... The silence screams as the ears ring to nothingness and invisible monsters in your head... Outside the (non)issues of Your apathy... Outside awkward moments... Inside your head, i wish... No, make that: "i wish i was inside your head." ... For over 30 seconds... What now?... Can apathy be this emotionless?... Can indifference be more indifferent? What now... Can yesterday's disaster be tomorrow's gold?... Control+Z Everything from that 5 PM and up?... But that was me... Not the totality of me... But ME. What now?

Panic plus panic over panic equals panic

Meet the suave and cool me. The one who managed to say:

"Ydfgdgsdfgsdfgdggevshtydmdnmdfbmfjbmfl;bmfmbsfmbmsfbmgfbmfsmbfmbg;mbmbb
Ndfgdsfgl;fsdg;sdl;gjsdfjgdjsfgldflgjdflsgjldsfjglsjdfjAbsbgfsbsdfbsbvsdbvsdfbvsdbsfbgsdf
bsbfsfbdfYdgdfsbvsdfvsdvsdfvsdfvNgfsdgsdjfgmjsdfvsdmfvmdvmsdfmmsdvmsAkfklasdk
lvcnasdlkvnkladndvfdasfasdfasdcasdvergdevsdfvthbdvbsdfbfbsdbvfasdfvadfvadfvadvdva
advasdvaegrvwergabstmbaeprjpbvapvpnmvpanmervanevnanvanmdfgjiopajrwopgadmvanmd
vadfl;mvklajrjawoprvgadnmvaev"

And what i was trying to say was it was nice to finally meet You. Even in just under 30 seconds.

Panic over Spontaneity.

The problem is... i really don't know what to do. i mean, nothing, zilch. Suddenly, i am thrown into a rather enormous (but calm) body of water which i thought i am familiar with... Then, panic sets in.

So, i just jump (Don't think, don't feel)... That's the only solution, eh?

Random Rants: Mall Realizations

Malling a la pobre - Ha! In layman's terms that's called window shopping and that's called the oh-well-and-oh-fuck mall moments... Fret not, it's not like i spend lavishly at all. Outside the magic cards and adidas basketball shoes (plus maybe books @ booksale) of course... But anyway, nice to have the entire family (outside the Kuya who's left behind in Naga) around in what could be (?) biggest mall in Asia. Because you see the biggest mall in Naga is 5 per cent the size of MOA--- that difference alone is worth the visit and probably a big thing for the probinsyanos, which of course i belong to.

Malling Disclaimer: "This is not my son."--- i should be wearing a large tag with those words printed (Tahoma, size 56) in it. Ok, it's not that i am not fond of Jigs (James Gabriel), the son of my younger sister; it's actually quite the opposite, i love the little guy as much as i love a real son (i wouldn't know that of course, 'til i get one.) Point is, how would the other girls in the mall be interested if they took it that way? That, i already have a son? Kidding, of course as it was just paranoia telling me that those girls indeed were looking at me (Make that double-take). Thank you, paranoia and thank you vanity. It pays to be confident these days. Believe me, i fucking NEED it.













See You tomorrow.

Headaches and You.

If headaches could talk, it'd be shouting your name. If headaches could talk, it'd be whispering sweet nothings to my ear. If headaches could talk, it'd be telling you to meet it sometime this week. If headaches could talk, it won't ease the pain but it will at least explain why it hurts.

My head is about to explode. But it's a-ok, i got you inside my head.

Non-entry

Masakit palan magpirit ng magblog ka tapos ma naman naglalaog sa utak mo. Pero subago lang daw sa van pa Glorietta kadakol na ko naisip na ilalaag. Sabi ko, tulos pagabot ko sa harong maduman ako sa computer shop na harani sa apt (apartment) tapos ma-entry ako sa blog ko. Ta malay mo nagbabasa siYa kang blog ko tapos malay mo maaksidente naman na may masambit ako na side and not-so-snide comments sa bagong kras and sana-puture na agomon na maaki sako ning walo. Sabi ko, iistorya ko ang pagmall mi ni Jigs saka ni Ermana--- ngalas sinda ta maspanic pa baga ko. As usual maski pa-Glorietta dae ko aram kung papano. Maski sa LAOG kang Glorietta dae ko aram kung papano. No sense of direction ang apod dyan--- dagdagan mo dikit na panic saka paranoia--- wooot. However, dahil ako ang bida (Kuya garo) sa duwa kung kaibahan dae na lang gayo nagparisa and nagtaxi pa-Glorietta ta sala si binabaan mi hale sa van haleng Antipolo City. Ang issue sa laog kang Glorietta man, nalingaw ako kung pasaen su SM Makati ta duman magrocery (For Jigs and the family, courtesy of ate Che.)--- madali man lang naresolbaran ang issue-ung iyan ta EVENTUALLY nahanap man baga.

Garo pagsampay ning bagong laba. Ano man kung mayo saldang. Ano man kung medyo malumlum. Ano man kung nagbabagwak. EVENTUALLY, maaalang ang labahan mo. Ang hapot lang kung nuarin. Hmmm, like many things in life ano.

Masakit mag blog talaga na mayo ka maisip. Maspasil pati kung bicol sana (Ginibo ko na ni sa friendster pa, "Kagan" ata ang title kang first-ever Bicol entry ko duman) ang pagsurat... Mastotoo... Naara garo ko duman sa sarong blog na tagalog na nabasa ko, relax sya magsurat and totoo... Kaya naisipan ko na magbicol man kung minsan.

Saka, pagbicol matatago mo pa na sabihon na may bago ka kras and tinetext sa Makati office nindo--- kras sana ta dae ta pa man bisto ang tao tapos dae nya man ako bisto pa talaga. Tama na yan Phoenix Suns style of basketball--- pagmarikas mas turnover prone. And sawa ka na sa puro turnovers.

Saro pa, pagbicol ang entry mo iisipon mo kung binabasa kaidtong taga-Makati ang blog mo tapos ano daw kung maintindihan nya ang iba...Kung gabos, either maurag sya ta dakol aram na tataramon or nagkuang interpreter para lang sa blog mo!--- eh effort ang apod dyan! Gusto sabihon espesyal ka man palan maski dikit sana! Hehe. Suba lang, baka mabasa talaga and maintindihan. Kung iyo man, tara hilingan kita atchan, susunduon ta ka bago magbaba ang saldang. Halaton ta ka.

Sleep Drought

i miss math. And numbers. So let's start this one out via a series of uncomplicated computations regarding the total number of hours i slept the last seven days or so.

THURSDAY. Exactly a week ago i was in Naga for the Cable Wakeboarding shoot... We left Manila via Air Philippines at around 6 a.m. i believe... But of course, because of the lack of sleep (understatement, i did NOT sleep at all) the night before i am now not sure what time we arrived in Cam Sur (Thursday sleep: 0 hours.)

FRIDAY. As far as i can tell i did work the entire Friday... i can not remember if i stole an hour of sleep or so. Maybe i did in the van or bus on our way to the shoot site. Maybe not. Friday night, it's San Mig Light with Enteng 'til two or three or four (Must be the beer again... i can't remember) so rough estimate is for Friday i had maybe 4 hours of sleep.

So far, that's four hours worth of Z's in 48 hours.

SATURDAY. Woke up at around 10 a.m. and worked until about 11 pm (There was a one-hour spa courtesy of the organizers in between so maybe i dozed off for about roughly less than the alloted. On another note, i am not paying 1,200 pesos for a spa. This one was free so heck, i tried it.)

Curiously, i had the option to drink again that Saturday night... However, i settled for a couple of Marlboro Lights (Gold) near the hotel lobby and decided against alcohol... The sheep cooperated actually and i grabbed a four-to-five hour worth of sleep--- a record for the past three days.

(SLEEP COUNT SUMMARY: 9 hours of Z's in 72 hours)

SUNDAY. Sunday, Sunday... Upon arrival i remember i did steal some sleep during the travel from the airport to Antipolo, i'd give it an hour maybe... i went straight to the office and did a little bit of work. Body starting to whine at around 2 pm so i decided to go home and please the body. i remember i watched the PBA so that means i slept after 9... Give it a nice 9-to-5 sleep (Give or take the minutes it takes to toss and turn in your bed) for a very generous 8-hour sleep!

(SLEEP COUNT SUMMARY: 17 hours of Z's in 96 hours)

MONDAY. House of Hoops shoot then straight to the basketball court for the game vs. Red. Won the ball game. Celebrated until about 1 a.m. before catching the Z's. about another 8-hour sleep. Wooot.

(SLEEP COUNT SUMMARY: 25 hours of Z's in 120 hours)

TUESDAY. Normal day. Outside of daydreams (Can you count that as part of the sleep stage?) of you. 8 hours sleep

WEDNESDAY. Overnight at the office for a couple of "special projects" (i hate the term it only means that if there's extra work it will be assigned to our team. How is that for being special) Slept at around 3 am... Woke up at 9 am... 6 hours of sleep. Back to abnormal (or normal?) sleep routine.

(SLEEP COUNT SUMMARY: 31 hours of Z's in 144 hours, that's 6 days)

THURSDAY. House of Hoops shoot... then went straight to the court to watch the game between Red vs. Blue... Because i had to finish some stuff for the "special projects" (NOKIA NBTC and NIKE ELITE recap shows) i had to go to Boni to borrow/use Che's laptop... And yey, i finished the script at around 3 am... and started counting sheep at 3:30 before my sister, Let-Let sent me a text message the bus were minutes away from the Ali Mall terminal where i was to fetch them... Which meant another Zero Z's!

(SLEEP COUNT SUMMARY: 31 hours of Z's in 168 hours or 7 days)

That's the Thursday to Thursday sleep story. Now (Friday, 11:18 pm) the simple plan is to sleep until lunch tomorrow and see if that's enough to neutralize this week's sleep drought. NOT THAT THIS IS NEWS as that abnormal sleep pattern is normal the past 24 months. We will see if the sheep cooperates tonight and the bed bugs don't bite.

If only you texted back, sleep would have been much easier to achi..--- wait you did! (Coincidence really as i was typing this line!)... Now i can sleep.

Random Rants: Emotions on Ellipses

...of course this should start with an ellipsis and expect that it ends with one... It's easier to write incomplete (hidden) thoughts... Easier to grasp half-truths and half-nothingness... ...Tapos nakabukas lang ang blogspot mo and basang ka add mga half-thoughts... ...Half-thoughts that are so full of you. Not you past perfect, not you past participle... Just You... Now... A...



...Next paragraph para garo iba naman daa pinaguulayan... Pero parehong problema... ...o solusyon. ...i'd really like to meet you. And sana di ka absent...

Random Rants: Antok Ako

Kung walang magandang sasabihin, 'wag na lang magsalita. Kung walang magandang sasabihin, 'wag na lang kumibo. Sabi ko saYo di ako marunong magtagalog eh. Haha. Iniisip kung nagbabasa ka rin ng blog ko pareho ng pagbasa ko ng blog mo. Iniisip ko rin kung iniisip mo ko kagabi habang iniisip kita. Ewan ang sagot sa lahat. Sana di yun ang sagot mo sa akin sa huli.

Song Grab: Empty Apartment

ng It's always funny when a band or an artist writes a piece which you think you could have written yourself... And funnier when you really believe that that artist stole your idea and it just so happened that he wrote it first! Nonetheless, because now you (think) have the same idea, there's an immediate appreciation for the song and admiration for that artist. That said here's one piece that really touches your heart plus your ego at the same time. And oh, it sums up just about the past four months of this lifetime. Or maybe the next.

Empty Apartment
(Yellowcard)

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?

Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay

Random Rants: Give In, Give Up.

Defeat. It's not the right word but it's the first word that comes to mind. (Thanks, Chuck Pahlaniuk) Not exactly the right word indeed since there was no battle, no war and no competition. No contest--- just the apt words to describe the empty venture to ennui. The good news was you knew it from the start. The bad news is you knew it from the very start.

How do you break a fall? You can not. You just rise after the fall.

This Too Shall Pass: Relief Over Grief

A quick history first from Wikipedia: This too shall pass (Hebrew: גם זה יעבור‎, gam zeh ya'avor) is a saying commonly used to offer condolences or sympathy to someone in pain or suffering. The origins of this phrase have been attributed to many sources, including King Solomon, American president Abraham Lincoln, and the poet Lanta Wilson Smith.

i first encountered the phrase from a King Solomon parable that was used as an intro for a novel. However, i can not quite remember the book title... Anyway, here's the parable, again courtesy of the ever-reliable wiki-site. And oh, i've highlighted some of the parable's best lines and most worthy quotes. Read on...

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it."

"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?"

"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy."

Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility. Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet.

"Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.

He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity.

"Well, my friend," said Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!"

As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: _gimel, zayin, yud_, which began the words "_Gam zeh ya'avor_" -- "This too shall pass."

At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

i think it is a very simple yet very effective story which describes the very essence of life...King Solomon was just at the wrong end of the ring, if you know what i mean... Which brings me to last night's game vs. Red Horse. Suffice to say, it was a great night for my team, White Castle as we had defeated rather soundly the league's previously unbeaten team! The final score was an unexpected 22-point blowout! While they dropped to a 3-1 W-L card, we improved to an even 2-2. More importantly, we still have a chance for either the automatic semifinals spot or at least a quarterfinals date with a twice to beat advantage. And most importantly, it was a victory which upped the morale of the team--- something quite honestly we needed very much after the back to back losses last week.

And oh for the stat-freaks, i had (again, estimated) 2 points (on 1 of 5 shooting) courtesy of a twisting lay-up (tsamba, in other words) about 8 assists (which could have been 12 or 13 if not for easy non-conversions) and a couple of steals. The W tastes so much sweeter when you play as a team and last night's win was the sweetest this year.

So how does the "This too shall pass" phrase fall into the equation? Well, after a couple of losses i kind of lost track of that mantra; had completely forgotten it (Maybe not subconsciously) and played rather very tight and too worried. If i only told myself after the first loss that, "this too shall pass" maybe things could have been different--- maybe not the losing part but on how i would take the losing...

That brings me to my main problem. When i am depressed, i am too depressed. When i am happy, i am too happy. No middle ground, just extreme emotions that either kill me or save me. And for now, i am too happy about the recent victory, and you can't take that away from me. And definitely, i am not changing my extreme ways--- i will still be too happy or too sad.

i don't know. It is just better this way. Sure when the time comes when i am depressed again, i will be too down. But hey, this too shall pass, right?